What is spirituality for the ones who find God on the dance floor? What does ascension look like when meme accounts are your only form of meditation? And how are you supposed to love yourself, when you can’t even figure out who you’re supposed to be? In her memoir, Messy Bitch Magic, we join author Ani Ferlise on a quest to find the answers to these questions and more, as she turns to modern spirituality to quiet the personal demons that have been following her since college.

Equal parts hilarious and heart wrenching, we meet Ferlise at the gates of her personal hell: a series of sexual assaults that sets her on a decade-long dark-night-of-the-soul. From there, we witness the unfolding of Ferlise’s wild and messy “healing journey,” populated with a colorful cast of healers, heretics, hipster witches, and coked-up S.N.A.G.s (Spiritual New Age Guys).

Intimate, candid, darkly funny, and unflinching in its portrayal of what it really means to heal, Messy Bitch Magic is for anybody who has looked for enlightenment in all the wrong places, who has surrendered their dignity somewhere along the way, and who has found themselves wondering if they will ever get to just live, laugh, love.